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Changing our Space

This week, our family did a room swap. Our youngest moved in with his older sister, and our eldest moved into the former nursery. Cue the feels. Lately, I have been reflecting on what prompted the change (a President’s Day sale) and why we changed our space.

It all started with space.

Last Thanksgiving and over Christmas, our eldest kept getting trapped by our younger two. It’s not that he doesn’t love spending time with them or that they don’t have fun. But he didn’t have any place he could call his own. When we moved into our house, we knew he would need a little slice to himself besides where he would share a bedroom with his sister. He received a reasonably spacious closet for a 6-year-old. He has since outgrown the closet.

So, when I noticed the angst was ratcheting up, my wife and I decided to start the room swap process. This week, beds were built, and furniture moved or broken down. My oldest and youngest are excited. My daughter gets the closet the eldest once held, so she is happy… for now.

What I have noticed beyond our room swap is how we are all rearranging our space to fit the everchanging family dynamics of no longer having a nursery for our toddler and having a big space for our eldest. That got me thinking about how I notice and try to create space for others around me.

For example, this past week, we were racing from swim lessons at the Y(MCA) to get home and cook dinner. My children kept getting too close to the person in front of us. I could tell the person was getting nervous about how close they were, and I told them (repeatedly) to back off. The person appreciated that I respected their space by at least chiding my children (say that 10 times fast). I went out of my way to create some space for this person to be themselves. Certainly that space was invaded, but instead of becoming a threatening presence to the “other,” I did my best to hold open a space for the “other.”

When was the last time you held open a space for someone?

The space debate ever rages within my family, and we try to teach our children to create space for each other. That’s his or hers or mine. Or, one of us just needs a little space to regulate our feelings or thoughts. I imagine the debate is common to many families. But when was the last time you held open a space for someone outside your family? When did you hold open a space for someone who was “other” than you?

“Other” can be defined as someone or something different from you. That can be as simple and close as your spouse or as far away as the enemy firing bullets at you. Who you define as “other” often defines you.

One of the most fantastic resources we almost always have is “other” people. They teach us how to think about problems differently, are sounding boards for our bad ideas, and provide a hand of comfort. Today, I wonder if we even bother to hold space for “other” people.

The politics of the United States today comes down to conquering or stealing space from as many people as possible. I read Tweets, posts, or articles from the right side of the political arena, and it is all about claiming space back from the immigrant, the female, the transgender, or whomever you feel has stolen some of your space. On the left, it is about colonizing the space of the “other” to force some sort of acceptance or affirmation. Both are attempting theft. What if, instead of stealing space, we created it? What it would it look like if we decided to hold space open for someone different than us?

Some Sage Advice

The Buddha is famous for giving up worldly possessions and titles to live a contemplative monk’s life. By giving up his stuff, he became the “other,” and that made a little space for people like me.

Confucius teaches us how to respect each town’s culture and customs so we may not offend. Thus, you appreciate the town’s space; they are more likely to respect yours as the outsider or “other.”

Jesus of Nazareth claimed to be God. God in the Old and New Testament can often be viewed in the light of the ultimate “other”—the ultimately unknowable one. Yet, Jesus came to us as the “other,” and instead of condemning us, he attempted to create a space for us to know that unknowable “other.”

Those are only three of the world’s many sages and teachers of wisdom. Perhaps wisdom is tied to the ability to hold space not just for the “other” from you but when others see others as others. And sometimes, I think the magic of the United States is our strange ability to do just that. Hold space – not so that we agree – but that we can disagree toward a better solution because there is space for both sides of the argument.

A Task of Fatherhood

As fathers, we are often tasked with creating space for our family. Our children seek space to occupy and live a full life. In some ways, our job is to help them into that space by training, expertise, connections, or getting out of their way. But I wonder if we give our children that space? Do we enforce agreement with our ideals and thus teach them that force is necessary to win the day? Or can we provide them with the room (literally, in my case) to grow into something that means more?

Everyone’s faith teaches them something about the space they occupy. Do we make room for ourselves or try to get more? But maybe the better question is, what happens when we drain the light and life from those we consider others? Will there be any space left for us?

Hopefully, this week, I taught my kids that I respect them and their space. Because I respect them, I hope they pass it on to not just their children but everyone they encounter… no matter how wrong my children think those other people are. And they are all too happy to pass judgment on those they believe are wrong. Hopefully, I am training them to use their strengths not to conquer other people but to hold open a space for other people to enter into, no matter how uncomfortable it makes them.

What about you? Did you create any space this week or rearrange it like I did? Did you conquer someone’s space, and it helped you follow your creed? Whatever you did, was it worth it? I will know whether this move is worth it when Spring Break rolls around (or, as I call it, the pre-summer exhibition match). Stick with me until then to find out.

Let me know one of the answers to the many questions in this article. Or let me know what you thought about those many questions.